Sep 7.2016 |  104924

It’s All A Fucking Joke, Right

melody-garnet:

satansbra:

millenniumfae:

In the few months I’ve been modding at fuckyeahasexual and touring ace Tumblr, there’s been a very. Steady. Stream of info that detail horrifically abusive situations and overall poor mental unhealth. Two a week in the inbox if I’m lucky, usually around seven-ten.

And there’s been so many, I can officially categorize all 500+ of these kinds of asks and submissions into an extensive bulletlist of Why Asexual Exclusionary Radicalism Is Incredibly Toxic And Shitty;

Coming Out To Family, Friends, And Employers

  • “My parents keep telling me that I’m something else, and it’s making me doubt my sense of judgement, not just about my sexual identity, but also about everything in general.”
  • “My family, friends, and co-workers keep referring to me as an inanimate object in a manner that’s clearly meant to humiliate and devastate me. Nothing I say will get them to stop.”
  • “My parents vocally/bodily forced me to undergo medical examinations, some of them concerning my sexual organs, many of them concerning blood tests and other trauma-centric procedures.”
  • “My family is intervening with my private life by changing my schedule to include exercise, socialization, friend influences, and whatever they think can ‘change’ me.”
  • “My friends/co-workers no longer respect my bodily boundaries when I came out to them, because they no longer see me as someone who should be respected. They regularly touch, fondle, grope, and prod me without permission, and/or verbally harass me, and don’t take my objections seriously.”
  • “My family, friends, and co-workers no longer just harass me, but also anyone I’m currently dating because they view my significant other as pathetic, underserved, or even being abused.”

First Few Days Of Dating

  • “My date got irrationally angry and confrontational when I came out to them, in a manner that made me fearful.” (SO many of these.)
  • “My date immediately lost any respect they had for my boundaries, no longer asked for consent, and {tried to} force themselves upon me.” (A lot of these, too)
  • “My date tried to verbally circumvent any boundaries and issues I confessed to, and it made me feel like I was in danger.”
  • “I didn’t come out to my date at first, and when they found out, they radically changed their behavior in an attempt to control and manipulate our new relationship to their benefit.”

Long-Term Relationships

  • “My partner has forcefully and radically changed our long-term relationship after finding out about my asexuality, and I’m now trapped and controlled in a way that I wasn’t before.”
  • “My partner broke up with me/is fighting with me because of my asexuality, and trying to make it seem like I’m hurting them. It’s made me doubt myself and my ability to trust my own intentions.”
  • “My partner is slowly changing from what was once supportive of my asexuality, and I’m wondering when I have the right to be worried and when I’d be overreacting. I’m aware of the worst case scenario, but I also worry that I’m being selfish and childish - which are things I’ve been told all throughout my asexual experience.”

Self-Care And Self Development

  • “I don’t trust my ability to say either yes or no in sexual situations, and this has extended to my life in general. I don’t feel comfortable in my ability to self-determinate.”
  • “The lack of authority, definition, and schooling of the concept of asexuality has made me very uncomfortable with what I think I am, and that uncertainty haunts me every waking moment.”
  • “I think it’s too late/too early to tell if I’m asexual, but the longer I hesitate, the worse my mental health and emotional wellbeing gets. I’m effectively stuck.”
  • “I see no benefit in coming out, or even identifying as asexual. There’s no positivity, role models, or supportive community for what I consider a big and scary part of my overall identity.”
  • “I think this was sexual abuse, but I’m wondering if I’m just being selfish and childish.”
  • “I think I was treated badly by my parents/friends/partner, but I’m wondering if I’m just being selfish and childish.”
  • “I want to believe that I’m deserving of equal freedom and human respect paid to other, not asexual people, but people tell me I’m being selfish and childish.”
  • “No one encourages this part of me. And that makes me feel forgotten and abandoned in general.”

Shut the fuck up about your petty beef with tumblr bloggers and youtubers and Archie comics or whatever. I literally do not care, I can’t care. I see these messages every goddamn day - this post was written and drafted a month ago, and I very easily compiled most of this bulletpoint list from scratch, just by eyeing what I see in the askbox and what comes across my dash. 

‘Ace discourse’ anger is empty and so meaningless. This is what I see by being part of this one 17k follow asexual ask blog for maybe half a year. I am so Done with all the faux rage posts and all the false positivity about how it’s ok to NOT be ace and all the acephobia that falls perfectly in line with the gaslighting typical of acephobia-101 while also having the audacity to claim it not so.

This is what’s real and I want to bleed it into your goddamn eyes.

Reblogging this again, for obvious reasons

it’s so goddamn true.


also one of the things that comes with the coming out what bothers me a lot too is that immediately when i drop that i’m asexual, i get fucking cross-examined

like

my asexuality is a fact, just like being gay is

and yet

if someone says they’re gay, people don’t start negotiating with them, people don’t start interrogating them, people don’t start to question their definition of ‘gay’ or their qualifying for that label or even the existence of their label

you don’t ask them whether they masturbate, whether they have had orgasms and how many and how good they were, whether they’ve had sex and with who and how often, whether they’re doing sex and masturbation wrong, whether they’ve been raped or abused, whether they’re perverted, whether they’re not just being childish, or afraid of sex, or inexperienced, or frigid, or “deciding they are gay too soon”


being gay is not a topic of discussion, it just is

but I drop being ace in a conversation, and suddenly they all have to philosophize on the meaning of sexuality and labels and the need for Pride at me and if I don’t explain everything, if I don’t answer every question to satisfaction, if I don’t have a complete, three paragraph well rounded counterargument for every little doubt then I’m obviously lying and just seeking attention


and every single time I feel like I need to walk out because they’re making me question what I’ve known of myself for YEARS, they’re making me doubt MYSELF, they’re making me cry because here are another group of people for whom I’ve suddenly lost a bit of my humanity if they can so callously deny the validity of my asexual identity

and they think that’s GOOD. they think they’re doing me a FAVOUR. they think they’re good people for saying that they don’t believe asexuality is true and that i can’t be asexual if they think it doesn’t exist, that I just need to get laid sometime, that I should keep wait with deciding that I’m asexual until I’m thirty, no, fourty, no, fifty, no, I can’t really say I’m asexual until I’m almost dead and have never felt any sexual attraction for anyone


that’s what kills me about being asexual


but it’s so everywhere, it’s in (almost) every coming out to some degree, that OP forgot to add it. cuz that’s not something awful that happens a lot like the asks above. it’s something awful that happens every.time. and we don’t even question it or send asks about it anymore. because you can’t fucking escape it, so why ask. there’s nothing we can do.










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