How to Tell Your Friend That You Need a Break From Supporting Them

autisticsouda:

missmentelle:

When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries. 

Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship. 

Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy - don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly:

It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while. 

I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this. 

This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?

You deserve more support than I can give you. I think you need to tell a close family member or professional about what’s going on. 

It seems like every time we talk about this, things are worse for you. I’m worried that my advice isn’t helping you at all, and I think you should talk to someone more qualified than me. 

I’m really worried for your safety, and it breaks my heart, but I can’t keep you safe all by myself. Would it be okay if we told someone else what was going on? 

I’m sorry, but I can’t answer my text messages 24 hours per day. I really want to make sure that you always have someone to turn to if I’m not available. Are there some other people you would trust with this? I can help you tell them, if you’re not comfortable doing it by yourself. 

I hope these suggestions are helpful - best of luck to all of you, and make sure to put your own mental health first when you have to. 

Hey, I’d like to add to this post with a book suggestion. It’s very good for people who find themselves constantly cracking under the stress of taking care of others, people who find themselves in the martyr position, or people who need help taking control of their own lives.

It’s called “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie

Don’t be afraid of the word “codependent”, it gets a lot of stigma attached to it, but, like mental illness, like any condition, it is not shameful, it is normal, and it does not mean you are a bad person.

Additionally, people in this position may not be codependent, or find that this specific term applies to them, but, regardless, it’s an excellent book for learning about self-care, understanding and knowing yourself, taking control, and letting go of the guilt and many other feelings that can plague someone when they feel stuck in this position.

It’s mainly geared towards codependents of alcoholics, but it is applicable to many situations and reaches of life and, IMO, is very ahead of its time. There is a bit of a heavier focus on God and religion than I’d prefer and there is a lot of outdated and casually ableist terminology, but I think it’s worth it to read.

I haven’t finished it yet, myself, and there may be content later on that is more objectional, so be advised I can’t speak for the book in its entirety yet!

It’s a very famous book and has been the subject of a lot of analysis, review, and critique, and if you poke around, a lot of the editorials and scholarly articles on it are worth reading too. Everyone who has yet to graduate high school or even middle school, great chance to get ahead of the game!

Even if you aren’t codependent or don’t think you are, if you find yourself in a position of having a hard time taking care of yourself due to someone else’s illness or setting boundaries and understanding the situation, I think it has a lot of good thoughts to offer.

There’s a very generous sample for free reading, libraries should carry it, and IIRC it’s (legally) free online in some places, though I can’t remember for sure.

I’ve been taking notes and wrote about my thoughts and responses and how I related to what was being said each chapter, as was suggested, and it’s been very good for me, I think!

https://books.google.com/books?id=JX-IeLk-9T0C&lpg=PP1&dq=codependent%20no%20more&pg=PR5#v=onepage&q=codependent%20no%20more&f=false

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BS027FC/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awd_x_C9ybybSJJP1K6

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